Your message on Sunday could not have come at a more opportune time in my life and the life of my family. 

Friday afternoon I received some troubling news from home about a man that my widowed mother had been dating. We, the children, had our doubts about him when we met him, but we gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Our suspicions were confirmed, though, and we learned that this man was having an affair with a married woman behind my mother's back.  My brothers and sisters spoke to me about this, and also broke the news to her about what he had been doing. 

Oh, I forgot to mention that they had promised mom to not tell ME, and yes, they broke that promise.  Needless to say, that put all of us in an awkward position.  But that's the family dynamic - we keep secrets, only certain family members know the whole truth, and we can't talk openly about our problems.  We all know they exist, but we don't talk about them.

I decided that this was not something I could participate in any longer, that trying to keep the lie of my knowledge secret was going to eat me up inside, and I wrote my family (minus mom) an email saying essentially that we need to change the way we handle things as a family.  Imagine, a single, 28 year old guy telling his older, married with children siblings that we need to change the way we operate as a family, a manner I'm sure has been around since before I was born. 

I didn't how how it would be received, but I knew that this was what was right.  Would you believe they concurred.  In two weeks, when I go home, we are having a quote-unquote summit to talk about how to promote disclosure and openness about the good and the bad that comes upon us as a family.  This past weekend exposed serious problems in our family that we are addressing.  Praise God!

But, specifically, about paying it forward.  My mom broke up with the man, and I called her Monday morning, and she was hurting, I could tell, but her pride was overrunning her hurt.  I decided to write her a letter.  (If you could only see my tears as I'm writing this email to you).  In that letter I praised her for weathering the storms of the past two years - my accident and admission of a drinking problem, dad's cancer treatment and eventual passing, and now my oldest brother undergoing chemotherapy for bladder and colon cancer, and so much more that I can't enumerate here, as it would be too overwhelming.  I thanked her for confiding in me, and for treating me like an adult.  I told her about recovery, what it means to let a community of safe people into your mess and struggles.  I told her that she was worth working on, that I cared more about her healthiness than I did about her happiness, and that her healthiness can lead to happiness, joy, and peace.  I told her about a book I'm going to bring her, Life's Healing Choices, and how I want her to read it and for us to discuss it. 

I don't know how she will respond to the letter, but I pray it opens up a conversation between us.  All I can do is trust God in this time, and that's it.  I love her with all my heart, and I want her to be well. 

That envelope from Sunday paid for my 44 cent stamp for that letter.  I'm working on what to do with the other 56 cents.

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